Work, Life, Growth

All of the runners are at the starting line and ready to race. The starter initiates the three-start command and at the sound of the gun, all of the runners drive out of their blocks. The race begins and you realize that all, but one runner has left the starting line and that one runner is you. Now you are fumbling to get going and to catch the remainder of the field. You had the same opportunity, but started late and now you’ve made it even harder for yourself to succeed.

This is often how I feel when I’m working towards a goal. I feel like I’m always the last one to get going and that from the beginning I’ve already lost and failed. I feel like my reaction time is never good enough and that I am constantly under prepared for each task I take on. Even though, these things may not be true, it doesn’t change my perception and often causes my perception to become a reality of deepening self-doubt. This amassing self-doubt leads to a thickening of feelings of hopelessness, and is one of the known nuisances in my struggle with depression.

Why does this self-doubt continue to intensify? Why do I play out every potential negative outcome and ignore the potential for redemption and optimism? Why can’t I shake the feelings of depression despite achieving so many different things? Why can’t I just feel like I deserve to be in this race?

Comparison.

Simply put, comparison has shown me that I’m inadequate. It has shown me that despite my efforts, I will always be a stride behind in the race. The more I seek to accomplish and achieve, the more I’m reminded that I am already behind the rest of the runners in the field. It gives me a clear view of what others are achieving as they race ahead. It leaves me winded and exhausted as I struggle to keep up.

These are just some of the toxic thoughts that cross my mind daily that I aim to overcome. These thoughts leave me with lingering reminders that not only am I not enough, but that everything I am striving for will be pointless because I will cross the finish line too late. They make me feel like I have no purpose because others are ahead of me and they are achieving what I have set out for. This abyss makes me feel like there is nothing else left for me to do and that it would be so much easier to stop, or not show up for the race at all.

For times when I’ve continued in the race, despite the desire to drop out, I often finish wondering, “why did I even waste all of that time trying?”. The amount of effort that I put into some tasks, just to barely make it through is discouraging as I watch another runner effortlessly float to the finish. It is hard to continue to fight just to finish the race knowing that your time likely will not be considered for advancement. And, even harder knowing you’ve given everything possible just to fail.

The reality is that comparison has robbed me of valuable opportunities because it has served as a distraction and a reminder that I have not achieved a certain standard. It has distracted me from recognizing the achievements which have taken place when I’ve run my personal best in a particular season of life. It has prevented me from celebrating and acknowledging the progress that has been made. It has left me in a down spiral of discontent and led to a distrust in my own abilities.

We live in a society where we are constantly compared against a standard. (And before you ask, standards don’t have to be negative.) However, some standards are just unrealistic and majority of the time these are the standards that we place upon ourselves. The amount of effort that we put into a task whether we fail or succeed should be valued at the same level as the outcome. Win or lose, your best effort is just that; your best.

I’m still learning this concept and often fail at living it out. Each day, I have to remind myself that while running in this race I can’t focus on the lane assignments, or the top seeded runners. Instead, I have to focus on running my personal best and knowing that I must continue taking the necessary steps to prepare for the race ahead in this journey of life.