Work, Life, Growth

After four months the email finally arrives. I was too nervous to open it and waited for my husband to return so he could read the results. So much had change in such a short period of time and my anxiety was already high. We had just moved overseas, we were still living in the hotel on base, and we didn’t have any of our stuff. I was also coping with the fact that the literal meaning of “domani” did not apply in most situations and that I should just stop trying to plan. (Domani is the Italian word for tomorrow.)

Fail.

Those were the words that came out of my husband’s mouth and I’m sure he had a few words of consolation in there, but all I heard was fail. I had spent months studying and the only free time I had was when I was on the track running. I couldn’t have possibly failed an exam that I spent so much time preparing!

I remember looking at the screen and seeing the words “Fail”. That’s all I remember from that day. (Honestly, speaking the entire week after that is a blur.) It was discouraging to see people online celebrating their accomplishment once they received their test results. It was frustrating to know that some of these people would frequently call me for advice on patients and when they took my advice, the patient would get better. All I could think was, “How could they pass the exam and I fail?”.

I studied several hours a week, made charts, watched videos, read the latest research, and took numerous practice tests. My living room was covered with notecards and markers of various colors. The local librarians knew me by name and started reserving a table for me every Saturday morning. I had all of the tools needed, and I still failed.

Failure can be defeating and deflating or it can be a catalyst for the future. Unfortunately, for me it was anything but a catalyst. I was overcome with self-doubt and heightened insecurities. I honestly, figured my career was over and that I would never be able to do anything worthwhile. The pressure to succeed had weighed me down to the point where I lost the bigger picture.

Regardless of the test outcome, my patients improved and the advice I gave helped others improve. I was still a good clinician and in the process of studying I even gained additional knowledge that I may not have otherwise obtained. Ultimately, those were the most important factors. At that time, I was not able to identify this as the bigger picture and became engulfed with a sense of failure.

In retrospection, I should have joined a group to not only gain support, but also help support others who had the same goal in mind. I would have been able to ask questions and gain other helpful tips that others were using to study. I would have been made aware of additional resources that would have assisted. I would have been able to also share my insight and knowledge as well.

I also didn’t prepare myself mentally for test fatigue. Sitting in a testing center for a lengthy exam is exhausting and I should have taken full advantage of the breaks given. I wanted to make sure that I had enough time to answer and review all of the questions. Instead, I had exhausted my mental capacity and ability to focus.

Looking back, it is easy for me to recognize where I went wrong with the test. It is still embarrassing to admit that I failed, but important that I admit this to myself. Most people do not know that I previously took this exam, because of the shame that I felt when I failed. I debated for years as to whether or not I would sit for the exam again.

March 2021 in the midst of a pandemic, I find myself at the testing center again. Terrified and overcome by feelings of previous defeat, entered the building. I handed over my ID, flipped my pockets inside out, and shook out my clothes to indicate I wasn’t hiding any study materials. I would be lying if I said that I entered the room with true confidence. Instead, every moment leading up to the exam I mentioned my fear and how I felt like I was wasting money yet again (Random FYI: The prep and actual test for the board specialty certification cost more than my mortgage and utility bills combined.)

I had spent months studying and preparing for this second chance, still the fear of defeat remained fresh on my mind. Besides the various responsibilities in life (wife, mother to toddlers, position of clinic leadership, patient care, mentor to several people, clinical instructor, and assisting with various non-profits), I decided to try again. I constantly wondered if I had made a mistake and wasted a large amount of money.

This time, I was determined to do things differently. It started with me telling a few people that I was going to take the exam. This was to help hold me accountable to studying. It also helped me acknowledge that I needed help. I joined several virtual or online study groups. (Because of the pandemic, nothing was in-person.) Thankfully with technology and social media, these groups were able to post and review information around the clock. Most importantly, on test day I took every single break that I possibly could. I had snacks ready to go and other times I took a break to just go look out of the window. (At one point, I was sitting in the breakroom eating a candy bar randomly singing a song that I heard on the radio during the morning drive.)

And, then the wait began. June arrived, and no results. The middle of June goes by, and I’m still waiting. On June 29^th, 2021 the wait ended. Sitting at work I received an email. I figured I should probably open the email at work just in case I had to read the dreaded “F” word again. At least at work, I would have to remain focused on providing patient care and wouldn’t have the time to wallow in my sorrows.

Pass.

This time around was different, but the first time was still a crushing experience. I do not believe that we share our failures enough and I feel like we put so much focus only on the successful outcomes. Achievement is a wonderful thing, but failure can also create the opportunity for growth. Failure is full of teachable moments, even when unpleasant. Although this initial failure was embarrassing, I’m now even more proud of the achievement and perseverance that I had to try again. Getting back up to try again is easier said than done, and it is a challenge to not let the failure define you.

I’m hoping that the next time I fail at something, that I am strong enough to admit it sooner and that I am more resilient. Because of this failure and learning experience, I am now able to say that I am a board certified orthopedic clinical specialist. Failure hurts, but succeeding after failing is a glorious feeling.

Resources I used to study Orthopedic Clinical Specialist (OCS) Exam?

1. Clinical Practice Guidelines (CPGs)
2. Evidence in Motion’s (EIM) prep course
3. Medbridge Prep Course
4. Orthopedic Physical Therapy Secrets by Jeffrey D. Placzek, MD, PT and David E. Boyce, PT, EdD, OCS
5. OCS Field Guide Podcast (Hint: If you become a patron, you get additional study resources and study group information. They also send out practice questions!)
6. Certified: The OCS Prep Podcast (Hint: If you become a patron, you get study group access.)
7. Medbridge OCS Facebook Group