Work, Life, Growth

This past year has been both invigorating and discouraging. Managing my own business, continuing with homeschooling, and accepting an adjunct position has been a lot to take on, but manageable. Mistakes have been made and experiences gained. Despite being well prepared for these endeavors, I must admit it has not been easy. Prior to entering into this phase of life, I have run and developed programs, supervised other clinicians, managed organizational finances, and more. I have done this for both for-profit and non-profit entities. I have taken various courses, undergone coaching, and read so many books. Despite all of this, I felt unprepared to deal with all of the unrealistic social pressures that lead to the foul deceptions of comparison.

There were and are so many pressures to be a part of every event and to be in the mix with everyone. There are social pressures in place telling me that I have to gain more followers on social media. There are social pressures in place, telling me to compare all of my successes to others until my personal success is not seen as an achievement. These same pressures tell me that the times when I fell short indicated that I am not good enough, and will never be. These same pressures are telling me that I am only succeeding as a wife, mother, and business owner if I meet certain standards on a daily basis.

The overwhelm of social pressures leading to comparison has caused unnecessary and unwanted stress in areas that I generally do not hold interest in. I am a socialized introvert and I am content when I am running or when tucked into a corner to read a book. Being at events and engaging with a lot of people is exhausting, but necessary at times. Unfortunately, I have felt the pressure to be a part of and do more. There were times when I wrongly convinced myself that being around others would help improve exposure and my confidence. Instead, it led me to be further frustrated and discouraged because I felt like I was, and sometimes am, inadequate compared to those that I am around.

Another example would be social media. I am not a comedic person by nature and cannot use wit to relate to others. I rather not wear costumes or dance in videos to gain attention. To most who do not know me personally, I am rather bland, quite ordinary, but very genuine and caring. I am not the one to stand out in a crowd, video, or photo. Needless to say, social media for me can be rather frustrating. It is especially frustrating when people equate your knowledge to the number of followers you have. Although I am on social media, I must admit it is something that I find to often be a burden. It often feels like a blackhole into the superficial appraisal of who a person is or what they claim to know. (Side note that is related: I can recall the feelings of being deficient when I was told that I did not have enough social media followers to be included in an upcoming educational seminar. I was then asked to review the materials to make sure that the information of chosen social media influencers was accurate. Needless to say, that this initially felt like a punch in the gut, and yes, I declined.)

As someone who is already highly intrinsically motivated, the extrinsic pressures for me can serve as an annoyance and disheartening reminder that I am subpar. I recognize that I can become so engulfed in the social pressures of what is seen as successful that I immediately fall into the trap of self-doubt and begin to feel insignificant when comparing to what others broadcast or allow us to see. Managing family life and owning a business, has brought these feelings to the surface several times over each week since the start. So, now that you have a better understanding of what I have experienced, I want to share a few things that have helped me cope with avoiding falling into the abyss of social pressures. I hope these will help you if you find yourself in a similar situation. At the end of each of these concepts, you will find a question, or two, to help you evaluate your current circumstance and hopefully get you thinking about your current season.

1.       I openly share my shortcomings with others. So many people talk about all of the success they have experienced and it makes it seem as if they have never failed. I talk about my failures just as much as I speak on my success. This not only helps me to recognize my humanity, but also helps me relate to others who are looking to address their shortcomings so that they can continue to grow.

Do you find yourself wasting time comparing, or do you find yourself learning from those who openly share their mistakes to help you avoid the same pitfalls?

2.       I have a wonderful support system. My husband and my family are amazing. My husband has the absolute joy (sarcasm) of listening to every detail that could possibly go wrong and things that have actually gone wrong. My mother and sisters have the joy of listening to the woes of life. The mentors that I have remind me that I am more capable than what I give myself credit for. Overall, my support system snaps me out of an unnecessary downward spiral that over-analyzes outcomes in a defeating manner. My support system helps me to remain motivated and reminds me of my goals when I lose sight. And, to be honest, my support system allows me to vent and helps me to smile again.

So, who do you have in your corner supporting you and rooting for your success? Does your support system help problem solve and realize several outcomes, or are they just there to offer a phrase of endearment?

3.       I have learned to accept that I cannot pretend to be what I am not in order to succeed. I am not a social media star, and likely never will be. I do not have a large following, and it is highly likely that I never will. I do however have a small, consistent following that message me asking questions about what they can do to improve, grow in their professional life, and even those battling various diagnoses looking for more information. I have found other professionals that value my input and seek me out as a resource both in and outside of healthcare. Making an impact in these few lives in a more intimate manner has proven to be more meaningful for me. And sometimes, it is nice to remind myself of this.

Are you pretending to be something or someone to be seen and heard? If not, how can you find the authentic you?

4.       I understand the bigger picture. At the end of it all, my priority is my family and my professional goals are to make an impact in the lives of others. If something does not align with these principles or causes me to question my current path, it is easier to find my true north again and regain direction. Do I occasionally find myself off of the lit path and wondering in the abyss of comparison? Yes, but when this happens, I am able to refocus on the greater purpose. Ultimately, I am learning that even though my impact may be small, it can still be meaningful.

Are you currently off of the path you are supposed to be walking because you have started to chase the dreams of others? If so, how can you refocus your priorities?

This past year I have felt defeated and exhausted as a result of the social pressures. It is amazing how this rarely works in reverse and how I rarely felt energized. Instead, the comparison of social pressure can rob joy and can shift perspective to what could be better rather than enjoying what is currently good.

So next time you look to compare and conform to the social pressures, ask yourself, these questions:

1.       Does the task at hand align with your principles and purpose?

2.       What about this task shows the authentic me?

3.       How does this task help my overall well-being? How does it influence the well-being of others.?

4.       What about this task will help me gain insight and grow?

5.       What resources can I seek out to gain the necessary support to remain accountable and prioritize?