Work, Life, Growth

The phones were ringing and my high school coaches’ emails were exploding. I had schools interested in recruiting me for track and some were offering full rides. Crossing the finish line, I turned to see my college teammates pointing to the time and I hear over the loud speaker that a new record was just set. An unexpected email from my number one choice for graduate school saying that I had been accepted into the program after thinking I bombed the interview. I watched with joy as the guy who would become my backbone in life got down on one knee and proposed. My cap and gown were in place and I looked at my honor cord as they called my name and used “doctor” to proceed it. A meeting with a former elite athlete, led to me being a founding member of a non-profit. After a few months of working with an organization, I received an email stating that I needed to meet with the higher leadership. In the meeting, I was offered an unforeseen promotion.

No one would ever guess that during these times of triumph, I was fighting through the haze of depression. During all of these times, I can recall having to maintain a certain image and keep the depression veiled. Hidden under a cloak of false happiness, people had no idea to the extent in which I was suffering. The thoughts and feelings of being completely overwhelmed with life and the fear of failure was exhausting and I was depleted. The constant feeling of being subpar and inadequate made me want to work harder, but also drove me deeper into depression when I fell short of my aspirations.

All of the positive memories that I had, were overshadowed by the negative remarks and comments that I had experienced over the years. Despite the love and support of a family and friends, the negativity of society had over-drafted from my bank of confidence leaving me with the constant feeling of hopelessness. This led me to attempt to work to avoid failure and rejection. In other instances, I avoided the risk of attempting a novel task unless I had weighed every possible outcome and planned a way to prevent defeat from occurring. This worked great, until I ran into the spontaneity and unpredictability of life which I’ve learned comes with frequent rejection. The constant comparison of what society expected of me and where I was, further fed into this oppression and the cloak thickened. Every time something bad happened or did not go as planned, it was viewed as a self-fulfilling prophecy of insignificance and my lack of purpose.

The frustration that occurred when I realized that these phases of depression had stolen time from my life, only worsened the feelings despair. (Imagine that, focusing on the feelings of hopelessness led to more misery and dejection.) The spiral continued and appeared to be compounding leading to further desolation.

Looking at me, people cannot tell that I battle with depression because I have learned to hide behind a level of success. (Yes, the previous text is written in past tense and this paragraph purposely switches to present tense and that will be explained shortly.) Because of this I have become a master of disguise and have learned to fit in or play the desired role. It is hard to celebrate what should be seen as success, when you feel as if you are inadequate and often feel worthless because the pressure of society always has you searching for what’s next and the need to accomplish more. It is so hard to express these feelings, because you know that most will not understand how it is possible to be successful and still suffer from depression.

Let’s talk about where I am now. I still battle times of depression and often have those same feelings described above. The difference now is that I’m aware, have better coping methods, and I have a good support system. I am no longer ashamed of these feelings of vulnerability and have to remind myself that the negativity and pressures of society do not define who I am. I still do not do well with failure or rejection, but I pick myself up a bit quicker than before. (Okay. So sometimes my husband picks me up and dusts me off before pushing me back out of the door to try again.)

Nonetheless, I’m determined to see the good in life and try to not dwell on the negative. And, during times when I can’t maintain this gaze, I’ve positioned myself with people who can help propel this determination for me.

If you are suffering from depression here are a few things that you can do and steps that you can take.

1. Exercise. For me running and lifting weights helps me to escape and reset. Something about pushing my body to the limits, now with a double jogging stroller, helps me feel like I can accomplish almost anything and gives me a goal. Science indicates that during exercise the body releases endorphins (happy chemicals) and that a sense of euphoria can exist for brief periods of time following the completion of the activity. Exercise can also help to improve one’s tolerance to pain, which can also result in improved mood.
2. Breathing. Deep breathing common form of relaxation which is gaining more popularity is deep breathing. Deep breathing can be calming through means such as a decreased heart rate, improved oxygen to digestive organs, and decrease in pain. Deep breathing can have other beneficial influences with stress management and just taking a few moments throughout the day can make a big difference. (Now, most people don’t know how to breath correctly with normal activities and I imagine that deep breathing may be a challenge. That’s a whole different blog post and I’ll show my clinical side when I sit down to write this blog post on how to properly breathe.)
3. Relaxation. Our brains were not created to operate under the fight or flight that can often result in life for extended periods of time. For me, relaxing usually involves food or reading. For my husband relaxation involves playing music or writing. I have a team-member at work who enjoys coloring books and another who wants to catalog and organize everything. I encourage you to find what helps you relax. A good place to start is doing what allows you to feel refreshed.
4. Service. Find something that you can give your time towards and get involved with something that matters to you. If you enjoy animals, then consider volunteering at the shelter. If you are able to mentor someone interested in your field, then take on that task to help guide them. Getting involved with a non-profit organization just once a year to feed the homeless, will help you realize that your time is of value. Find a way to give back, and you may notice how you grow in the process.
5. Nutrition. What you put in your body influences more than just your physical well-being. Your diet can influence things such as pain and your mood. If you need help making dietary changes, I recommend that you work with a dietician or nutritionist so that you can work towards lifestyle modifications that will be tailored specifically for your needs. The internet is a great resource to start with making these changes, but please remember that these are typically general recommendations and in certain circumstances, the information found may not be what’s best for you.
6. Therapy. Even if you aren’t depressed, having someone who is able to listen could be a big help to just your overall communication. Therapy can be with a therapist, counselor, or clergy. There are many forms of therapy and thankfully people are becoming more likely to utilize these services. A lot of insurances have started to include certain services in their plans, employers are beginning to offer more trainings on these topics, and schools have started better utilizing their counselors and therapists for more than just career preparation.
7. Medication: Speaking with your physician to determine if medication is appropriate for you can be a huge game changer for some people. I know there is a fear that once someone is on certain medications that they will need them forever, and this is false information. It is best to speak with your physician about these concerns and even ask for a referral if they are not able to best guide you in this decision.

Ultimately, I hope that if you are reading this that you realize that there are resources available to help you negotiate mental health challenges. Some hard times may last for just a brief moment and others may last indefinitely. Times of glory and success may occur the same. I cannot predict when or if my depression will hit, but I can at least seek out the necessary steps to cope. I encourage you to do the same.

Here are a few additional resources if you are wanting more information about mental health:

Mental Health America

National Institute of Mental Health

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255